He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
