Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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