May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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