he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
