i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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