meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
