I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
