Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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