Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
