I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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