At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He better not be in your backpack
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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