I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
