i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
