Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
