She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
