Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
