I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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