so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
me + whiskey = a bad person
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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