seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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