this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
