She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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