singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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