This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
