i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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