I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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