Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
