Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
