if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
