why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
