Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
