I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
