Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
