Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
