Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize