Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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