its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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