just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
