the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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