There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
