It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
