I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
