Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize