I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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