hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
