My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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