i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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