If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
