I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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