she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
