He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My vagina is officially offended.
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