My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
