This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
