my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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