He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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