I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
