yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
