I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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