my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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