If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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