rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize